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Garden journal [03 May 2011|05:58pm]

Day 1Collapse )
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Returning home [24 Nov 2010|03:13am]
[ mood | in awe ]

I haven't been home in about 5 months. This is the longest I've been away. When I drove over the pensacola beach bridge about 3 hours ago, I almost cried. I knew I missed this place like crazy, but seeing the lights on the water- it was such a pure emotional reaction- I realized how much this place is a part of me. Though, that doesn't mean I want to stay here forever, but I will always return.

As I drove up the beach road, so many memories flooded my mind from everywhere I looked. It seemed an almost instantaneous recollection of many different times. It really gripped my heart. It was pure emotion. The fact that its an opportune time of the month for emotions might have played a role in how large my reaction was, but it was definitely genuine.

2 rub is love | rub it

Sore joints [10 Nov 2010|12:39am]
another day, another dollar

I felt the urge to update, so I'm going with it. We'll see where it takes me.

I just went rock climbing at this rock gym with Brad. I completely enjoyed the climbing part. It reminded me of being young and climbing on everything. But at the same time a million people were there that were amazing so needless to say it was a little intimidating. I really do miss having sore muscles after a kickass workout session. It's strange how for almost all my life so far (excluding the past year or two) I haven't been really into strenuous physical activity, but I find I really enjoy some of it. Some gym work outs are just too boring though. That's how I feel about running. Its almost not the physical part that is hard (though, i have to say, I suck at running) its the lack of stimulation in my mind. With rock climbing it's almost constant puzzle solving. I might could get into it. 

Ugh, I have 2 scientific papers to read and its 12:30. Better get to it.
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gahh [28 Sep 2010|03:34pm]
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Very fitting [22 Jun 2010|01:43pm]

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while he got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even.

His best days will be some of my worst
He finally met a woman that's gonna put him first
While I'm wide awake he's no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay,
I'm falling to pieces,
I'm falling to pieces.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise word's gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

And, what am I gonna to do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay,
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces.
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces.

(Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

Oh you got her heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm try and make sense of what little remains
Cause you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break, no it don't break even.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay,
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces.
(One still in love while the other ones leaving)
I'm falling to pieces

('Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even)

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Les-dot [15 May 2010|01:33am]
I'm restless, and at the same time know I might not even finish this entry. I just finished reading the last book in the 10 book series, The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. I am completely in love with her style of writing and consequently, the characters. But, I bought some good-looking star wars books today that I'm ready to dive into. The writing probably wont be as good, but though I love vampires... star wars is epic.

I feel like I'm on the edge. About to begin a journey of my life. Almost 21. Family reunion almost here. Getting paid to do research at UF. Might get a paper published! Making an amazing costume for Star Wars Celebration V and Dragon Con. Getting back into DnD. God, I'm in love with it all.

Mmm, so much to say. I always think of things to write down, to express, but most of the time they never make it to paper (or computer screen). I should try harder to write more. Being able to write well would be a very good skill to posses.

In the words of Lily Allen "now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner."
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[05 Feb 2010|07:30pm]
What does it take to get a little intimacy around here?
1 rub is love | rub it

Poppin [03 Feb 2010|01:02am]
Most of the time, it really doesn't bother me the amount of pills I take everyday. But sometimes I start to think about how I would like to be less reliant on them. But really, what am I supposed to do? Have debilitating headaches daily, cry about every little thing, be so tired I can't function, and have to stay in bed for one week out of every month? Compared to that, taking some pills at night ain't so bad.
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Peppers. [28 Jan 2010|01:38am]
Jealousy is that horrible twist you feel in the pit of your stomach. I tell myself I shouldn't feel this. I tell myself I won't. It helps a little. I really don't care as much. But its still there, and that fact alone makes me mad.
1 rub is love | rub it

Doctorate. [24 Jan 2010|11:44am]
Dreams with you in them never disappoint.
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How I feel about livejournal sometimes. [06 Dec 2009|02:40am]
"I want to tell you
My head is filled with things to say
When you're here
All those words, they seem to slip away"
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Love note [16 Nov 2009|01:49am]
It began like most do. Very unfamiliar at first, not sure what to do. Those little awkward moments. I only knew a little of you at first, but as time passed and I became more brave I explored all of your ins and outs. Knowing you as if I had been with you forever. The affair got hot and heavy and soon I spent almost all my waking hours with you. Day after day I confided in you. I always felt so good after spending hours with you. I loved to stay until you had to kick me out, so gentle but firm. I loved knowing I was one of them that stayed with you the longest each night. I knew this made you love me more than everyone else. I could feel it.

But soon, it became too much. You're little quirks started to annoy me more. I didn't want to see you, but I had to. You exhausted me like no other. After a few very long nights, spending hours and hours fighting with you, I left. I ended it. I just couldn't bear to see you for the next couple days.

Though in those last days I never wanted to see you again, soon I started to miss you. At home, I would think about you, feel like I should be with you. I longed for that good feeling after I had spent hours with you. After a few days, I came back. I only stayed a little while at first. Not the same feeling. Not the same passion. But after only a short time, I was in your spell again. It was like it was at the start- I spent hours and hours with you and it felt so good. Your gentle silence. Your sweet surprises. I am in love. But I feel the circle coming around again...

EDIT: Haha... so I forgot to mention, this note is addressed to Library West.
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[25 Jun 2009|04:52pm]
This summer is really pretty awesome.
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[15 Jun 2009|11:32pm]
It's better than bad- its good!
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physucks. [31 May 2009|01:02am]
[ mood | drained ]

I've sat on my computer looking at facebook, twitter, and livejournal for the past hour instead of doing physics. The internet is really my least favorite form of procrastination.

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Oh, feeeeelings. [27 May 2009|05:49pm]
[ mood | smelling like the zoo ]

I really hate irrational feelings of jealously that really shouldn't exist and I should get over and be a normal human being (yay for run on sentences).
I want to just find that part in my brain and surgically remove it.
Facebook sucks sometimes in these situations.
3 rub is love | rub it

Its a thriller. [25 May 2009|10:13pm]
[ mood | in the clouds ]

This new headache medicine worked pretty well today.
It kinda makes me feel the slightest big high.
Good or bad thing to be prescribed this and have good justification for using it?

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dumb dumb dumb dumb [23 May 2009|10:02pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I really hate that I only post either semi-depressing/negative entries, or completely depressing negative entries. I really am enjoying this summer greatly, but that's not what I want to write about right now.

Today I've been in a weird mood. Can't shake the feeling that I shoulda been more ballsy. And I keep seem to be way over analyzing the situation in my head. I'm sure everyone around me just wants me shut the hell up.

I guess the whole not having a boyfriend for over 6 months is really getting to me (again). I fucking hate how much it does (get to me). I should be able to be fine without a man, but I just really want that affection, ya know? And posting about it in my livejournal really helps a lot, right? Once I lose the 20 pounds I am planning on this summer- maybe then someone attractive will actually be attracted to me (Dr. Phelps, anyone? haha).

I guess today's mood is just a combination of being kinda pissed at people and at myself.

Conclusion: Horrible headache, lots of physics to do, and even if I wanted to go out, I don't have anywhere to go.

5 rub is love | rub it

Timid [28 Apr 2009|03:36am]
[ mood | worried ]

Tonight is very weird. First night home.

I let tiger out, i figured keeping him in my room for a while would only make him want to go farther. I checked on him and made sure he was still around, found him in the garage around 11. I looked for him before I went to sleep and I can't find him. He was like this the first night he got back over christmas break too. But I just really have this irrational fear that he needs to be here and what if I lose him. It just would be horrible and I don't think I could take it. I walked around the neighborhood calling, found 2 of my other cats, no tiger. Then somebody else was walking down the street (its a very small neighborhood) so I went inside.

Then, I go on myspace, think a post might be for me.. maybe not... I don't know.

Just the whole of this gives me this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I hate. I think its probably all irrational bullshit I'm feeling/thinking. I mean, at least, partly. Tiger will come home and, separately, I don't know what I did wrong so why do I feel bad?

7 rub is love | rub it

Studying this past week [21 Apr 2009|03:37pm]

it bit much, i'd say.

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